I, despite my furious efforts to calm myself, find that merely the utterance of your name makes my chest tighten with rapid breathing. And when we walk together, or sit beside each other, I feel your presence so entirely as if it were my own being in clarity. Let me explain further, as if being close to you allows me to gain insight into a higher part of myself, a desirous part that is often so passionate and whimsy that I tie it to the back of my mind. But with you, the bonds are not so tight, they loosen and allow that spirit to creep forth from the shadows into brilliant, blinding light. Oh, my mind, my thoughts, my heart despairs…for something it is tempted to take… but will never own. Though, I desire to possess you. I desire to have you be completely within my thrall, so much so that it would be only my embrace that can soothe you, only my gaze that will entrance you, and only my touch that will satisfy you. Otherwise, you should go hungry in my absence: for the intelligent thoughts we share, and the brushing of fingertips against warm skin, and the long meaningful looks we lavish upon one another. I did not know I could feel this…these thoughts for another being. I imagined I knew love, but this is not love. No, this is…a dark part inside me opening to embrace you. This is…me with with the vulnerable, pink skin beneath an open wound. This is the soft moaning of my voice at your caress. This is my eyes closed and walking forward. This is feeling like a child, tear rolling down my cheek, face hid in your chest with your strong hand in my hair; safe. This is comfort and uncomfort; worry and recklessness. This is a culmination of experiences that horrify my sensibilities. They shock my circuit, smoke up the health, drown the kidneys…they are life and death and you are everything…everything…in between.
Intermingled Emotions of Desire and Despair